Is It Worth It?

The photo element of this Blog, really is one of my favorite things to play around with. What do I do then, when it goes from happily uploading many, many wonderful pictures at a time-to uploading only one at a time, all the while taking 3-4 minutes per picture-which may or may not even upload correctly? Now, I must actually have something interesting to say, since I don't have cute pictures of my kids in their Halloween outfits, my visiting family having fun playing board games, or even random bizarre pictures I find on-line. A blog where the entertainment factor is based almost entirely on what I have to say is a scary thing. Brace yourself-entertaining or not-until this photo uploader stops being stupid, my words are pretty much what you are going to get......I apologize in advance.

Lately I have come to realize how easy it is to fall into that "comfortable" stage in the marriage. Where you get so used to having the other person there, and doing what you need to do for the kids & your day to day life, that you put your partner to the side. There is always tomorrow, right?

"Comfortable" is awesome in clothes-I would have mine no other way. "Comfort" food is delicious, and brings back warm, fuzzy memories while it adds the loving inches to your butt and thighs. "Comfy" blankets are great to snuggle up in when the weather turns colder, and the rain starts to fall outside....but in a marriage, "Comfortable" is a dangerous place to be. It's so easy to get too comfortable, and start taking the other person's contributions for granted, and wonder why they aren't helping out more? You feel like nothing you do is recognized, and then you begin to feel taken for granted as well. You feel like you could just disappear, and nobody would be upset until the food didn't get made or you weren't there to find the homework that someone was told repeatedly to put away, and of course didn't-so now it's up to you to find it-again! Yes, I found out that while comfortable is a good thing, for the most part.....it can lead to some pretty  uncomfortable situations.

I love Alan. Really love him. Yet, while I love him-there are days where I don't like him so much. This is normal, I hear. But I had a really bad day, a few days ago. One where I really was wondering, if all of this is worth it. I was feeling particularly unloved, under-appreciated, and very lonely. When I tried to talk to him about my day, I was repeatedly told "I didn't ask you that", or just cut off in the middle of my sentence so he could tell me I was wrong. I snapped. (I have to say- I was unknowingly PMS'ing pretty bad that day, but I can sure pull out the drama from time to time. I am only female, and I just can't help it. It's in my DNA.) Anyway, after hanging up on him for the second time I just stopped answering the phone all together. I started thinking about how I wasn't happy. And it seemed that my not being happy stemmed from Alan's complete dis-respect of my feelings. I started weighing the Pro's and Con's of the "D" word, and really spent the day thinking hard about if I want that for me, Alan and the kids. By the time Alan got home, I did my best to avoid him, because I was still not sure I had the strength to talk to him without being totally irrational, and saying things just to hurt him. By midnight, I was calm enough to talk. I had decided that I did want this marriage.  It is worth it-but things had to change. I refuse to be ignored. I refuse to have him cut me off, mid-sentence like he does all the time. I want him to show me he loves me, and appreciates me. I need attention. This is a hard thing for me to acknowledge. I always thought I didn't need much, but as I get older, I am now coming to find out I really do need to be shown affection and recognized from time to time.

All of that being said, I do realize that I am not the perfect wife. His most common complaint is that I don't clean enough. To this I just get defensive, and say that there "isn't much point, since the kids mess it up too quickly when I do clean, and how is he to know when I do it or not?" This was more of an issue than I knew. I do clean, but not as much as I should, because honestly-I hate it. I loathe it. It does feel pointless, and the kids give me grief when I try and get them to do anything. I figured, I did enough during the day raising the kids that the housework-while it (randomly) got done-could wait.

I would much rather do things with the kids & spend time with them, than spend my time cleaning. They would remember the time I spent with them more than if the house was clean or not. But I didn't take into account Alan's feelings on this. It's a lot easier to not clean when you hate it, than do it just because someone else wants it done. I mentally revert back to the bratty little kid inside, and automatically don't do it because it's expected. This is wrong. Also, very immature.

So there I was, at midnight, strong enough to finally talk calmly-and Alan was asleep on the chair in the front room. He was totally avoiding me too! We really haven't slept apart our whole marriage-even while fighting. We usually just do the "I won't face you, and don't you dare cross over onto my side of the bed" game. Then we wake up refreshed, and over it. So the fact that he was in the other room, was saying something! I walked out, woke him up and told him we needed to talk-"can he please come in to the room?"

He did, and we sat down and had the most open, honest, heartbreaking talk we have ever had in our marriage, and it was wonderful. There were plenty of tears (all from me, go figure), lots of telling what we wanted out of being married, and also telling what we felt we weren't getting....but most of all, no yelling. We pointed a few fingers, but we both sat and listened to what the other one had to say-no matter how bad it made us feel, and we came out of it knowing how much we loved each other, and how there is a reason that we are married to begin with. We vowed to do the things that the other wanted, whether we felt like it at the time or not. We were going to try.

Here I am, a few days later, and I am doing so much better! He is showing affection to me-in front of other people-which is a huge thing for him! He has been saying 'Thank You' for things that I do, and he is listening when I talk. I don't feel like he doesn't care, and that is huge for me. There is a much happier, content feeling around the house. We are putting each other first, and though I may not feel like cleaning, I am. The house has been much cleaner the past few days, and he is grateful for that. Plus it just makes me smile knowing that I can do this small thing for him. He isn't asking too much, I realize that, and I choose to do it now. I am trying to put these horrible rebellious feelings away, and concentrate on what I want in life, and what it will take to get me there. I am trying to stop thinking about what I feel I am missing, and try to make others happy, and in doing so-I don't feel like I am missing anything! It's such a simple concept, but a difficult one to live. Selfishness is way easier to practice than selflessness.

I know this is a pretty personal thing to be sharing on here but, this is what I have been going through. I appreciate my sister Holly for talking (texting) me off the ledge-so to speak. She told me to just get space, and calm down so I can think things through with a clear head, which I did. I realized that Alan wasn't the root of my unhappiness, I was. I just needed to admit it to myself, and move on. I do want to be married to Alan, not because we have a comfortable life.......who does in this economy? I want to be married to him, because I love him and he is most definitely worth the effort.