Monday, December 3, 2012

Open letter to the makers of Eco-Friendly Shower heads...

To the makers of the Eco-Friendly Shower Head I bought:

Stop. Just Don't. You are truly terrible at making shower heads. Really. Have you ever taken a shower with one of your products? Yes? Be honest now. Let me start out by saying- I have. And I was left utterly underwhelmed. I bought your shower head because the one I had was complete crap,  and to satisfy some "green" guilt I have since I am seriously too lazy to recycle most of the time. To tell you the truth, I have a recycling garbage can to make it easy. I don't even have to sort anything! I literally just have to dump things that can be recycled in, and I really just can't be bothered. But, if I buy something with the words "Water Saving" and "Eco-Friendly", I feel justified in taking long showers, because it would technically be like taking a 2 minute shower with all the water that is being saved. Global warming would cease to exist, and peace would be restored to the world, right?!?

Guess not.

Your product said it has a "powerful full stream". Excuse me? If you call standing under a light meadow mist 'powerful', then you clearly went to one of those over-priced creative schools where you did macaroni art to learn Geography, and no answer was wrong because they didn't want to crush your soul. I'm sorry, I only went to public school where we did boring book learning, and were taught that such a word meant something like strong, forceful, vigorous, mighty. Might be my mistake, because I know that it is possible to make one.

The relaxing 'massage' setting you promised? Oy! I felt like I was being jumped into a gang by the beating I took! It was a full 25 seconds of  "Oh, my....what the frick is happening to my face right now?!?", as I got pelted with boulders of water going the speed of light straight into my eyes; and I blindly fumbled around with soapy hands trying to find the switch to get back the useless "full stream" mode. How have you not been investigated for abuse yet? It's either kitten whisper soft, or Muhammad Ali punching drops of water onto your body.

Wait, There is a 'pulsing massage' setting. Good Lord, I am terrified to find out what that feels like!

You also have a 'drip' setting.? I assume that is what you are supposed to put it on while you are lathering shampoo into your hair? To save some of the water you mentioned? The shower head is supposed to do all the "water saving" for me, so don't put extra steps into my shower routine, okay? Though since this is an Eco-friendly shower head, the people making this are probably fairly 'granola', am I right? Your shampoo doesn't lather, because normal shampoo is full of chemicals that are responsible for melting the ice caps off our beautiful planet, so you guys just use hopes and dreams to will your hair clean, correct? I really think your 'drip' setting is a collection of all the people that feel like a total Drip from buying your janky product.

I will be re-installing my completely garbage, water-hoarding shower head ASAP. Because unlike some people who like to use their shower time to solve world problems, I tend to like to use my showering time to get clean. Preferably before the hot water runs out and my hair is still not damp enough to administer shampoo. Silly me, with my high expectations and all. Though, if I kept your shower head in I might have enough time standing around, waiting to get wet to figure out the cure for cancer. In which case I would send you a letter thanking you for making me a multi-millionaire. Hmmm....nope. Still not worth it. Absolute crap, old shower head it is. At least now I can take a 30 minute shower, and not feel guilty at all about wasting any water. Apparently there are suckers out there that buy what you are selling, so I can use up the water that they are saving, right?

As for me? I'm taking your water-saving rubbish back and retrieving my hard earned money, as soon as my sight is 100% returned. You should seriously think about changing professions, or re-marketing your so-called "shower heads" as "produce misters". You could get a big contract with a supermarket or two. Maybe sell just 'massage' setting ones to Firemen, and they could put fires out in record time? You're welcome. And hey: Thanks for all the bruises.

Sincerely yours,

Tammy H.



  1. You are officially the funniest person I know. Congratulations!