Okay, what wisdom would I impart on my younger self? Hmm....... Let's do this list style!
1. Let me start this off by saying to you, YOU ARE NOT FAT! One day, after the rigors of having children have left your body swollen and soft, you will wish that you were that "fat" again. Believe me! So stop worrying about it. You look good.
2. Bangs? No! Oh, but you think you will look good? Don't. Do. It. You will hate them, no matter what they look like. When the urge to play beautician at 3 am sounds like a good idea, put the scissors down and back away. You will immediately regret your decision and get mad at yourself. Yes, this has happened a bunch of times. I know. You have a notoriously short memory span for inflicting hideous hairstyles on yourself. While we are talking hair, don't cut it short either. Save yourself some tears. You don't like it short. Easy thing to remember: Never shorter than your shoulders! The growing out above shoulders is a year long pain. No. No Bangs! I'm serious. Next time we talk I'll be more prepared and bring pictures to prove my point.
3. Sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep! You still are not getting enough when you are 35. (By the way, 35 is not old.) There is nothing that you will miss if you go to sleep at a decent hour, so do it. You will wish you could later in life, but the years of staying up so late have taken a toll. Try to stop it now. Please.
4. When you move to Louisiana, watch what you eat. Those 60 pounds were very hard to lose. Yes, the food is delicious. I get it. I'm just trying to save you some grief. Also, and this is very important: When you and Julie are about to watch a movie and she goes in her room to change? DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR TO ASK WHAT SHE WANTS TO WATCH!!!!! You don't even want to know what is happening behind the door! It is mortifying, humiliating, and you won't be able to look at Julie and John for a few days. The image stays in your head for the next 18 years, haunting you. Just pick a movie on your own. She won't care.
5. Go to therapy. I can't stress this enough. What happened with Fred was bad, so go and talk to someone about it. You can deal with it on your own, but why should you? It manifests itself in other ways down the road that affects how you are with your family. Just go talk. That's what they are there for.
6. Speaking of therapy, Let me tell you: There is nothing wrong with admitting you are weak sometimes. You can be vulnerable, or hurt and people will help you without thinking bad things about you. When you get hurt at Fed Ex in 6 years, DO YOUR PHYSICAL THERAPY! No, I'm not yelling at you a lot. I'm "stressing" my points. Listen to me. You will know the night, by the sickening feeling in your whole body that something bad is going to happen. You will tell Mom on the way to work that you have a bad feeling someone is going to get really hurt at work. Heads up-it's you. I don't want to stop it from happening because what happens because of it is all good, but some things to remember:
- Do NOT wrap your hands up in the strap on the side of any AMJ can. You will know what I mean. This might make your injuries less severe.
- Vicodin does not work. At All! Just ask for Ibuprofen.
- Do your freaking Physical Therapy, no matter how long it takes. Your back is still jacked up 14 years later.
- Biofreeze is going to be a life saver! Try and find some now. It is amazing on headaches.
8. You are very lucky with the friends you choose. Good job on that! They all turn out to be really good people. Maybe spend more time hanging out with them, because you will have fond memories to look back on when you live so far away, and you miss them.
9. Talk to Grandma and Grandpa Woodsworth about genealogy. It's something you will be interested later, and there is some confusion with names. Get it straight from them. Plus, Grandpa doesn't have much longer, so enjoy your time with him.
10. Alright, looks like my time here is coming to a close so my final bit of wisdom is to stay away from Aaron at Fed Ex. You don't learn anything from him, except that he is a lazy cheapskate and has an ash mouth. He's a smoker, and the only kiss you share is a disgusting experience for you. Let me spare you that memory. And save you the $300 he "borrows" for his "car". You won't see that again. Ick. He wasn't worth it. Hey, you might even like Vin Diesel (an actor) if you avoid his look alike, but no big loss on that either. His movies are only so-so.
10 1/2. Oh, I forgot-you will be lactose intolerant after you have kids. Yes, apparently pregnancy can do that. Who knew?!? So enjoy all the cheese, milk, and yogurt you can eat now while it won't tear your stomach up. It's almost not worth it when you eat it later. I won't go into detail, but it's pretty awful. The scene in French Kiss where she scream out "Lactose Intoleraaaaaaaaance" and what follows, says it all. You've been warned.